Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
