When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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