Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
