I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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