I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
