please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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