I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
