mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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