I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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