the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
