Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
