and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
