my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
