I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
