Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
