i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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