I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
ttyl tear gas
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
