They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm really busy with my period
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