I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
