using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
