Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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