Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
