I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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