a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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