i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
try to milk me bitch
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
