Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
