I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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