our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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