I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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