She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
