I can tuck mytits in my pants
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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