woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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