Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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