he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
