She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
