I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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