I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
