The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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