His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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