guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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