I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
