I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
