I can text with my tongue
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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