One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
