The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
