he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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