I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
