Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
