She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
