I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I still have a little drunk in my system
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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