never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
