Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
