i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
